What works as opposed to what smacks you in the frigin' assYRIA!
A normal person - by that I mean anyone outside of the fanatical arena - learns from his/her (CLICHÉ ALERT) mistakes. I personally have never been normal, never fanatical, yet never normal. How can I be...I'm Assyrian. What’s normal about that? I just deal with it. I remember a time when my typical answer to the "Where're you from" question was a domino-effect-like explanation of "I am an Assyrian from Iraq, BUT I’m Christian so I’m not that bad". Typical answer to a very scary question at a very scary time to be an Assyrian (in Amreeka, at least).
My God I wish I was in Assyria...
My new answer is one that gives birth to a new question, and that answer is "I am an Assyrian". The newborn question after that is always, "Syrian?" which I truly adore because it opens the door to my "smacks you in the frigin" assYRIA” answer. I am an Assyrian. I am ages of life. I am he who had an empire. I am he who was feared. I am he who got greedy as you are today. My empire is now gone, all gone. I am still around, waiting, wanting, and needing it back so. Hold up! Nah, I usually say "No not sss, it's ASSyrian".
Take me down to Assyria City where the grass is green and the Atourayateh are pretty...
I love being a Christian. It's never been a task for me; I take Jesus and say "Hey I believe in you, dude". I also love being an Assyrian, something that is so deeply enriched with history and passion that I truly believe I'm going to be a student of it for life. In fact I think people outside of our culture should seriously consider taking up Assyrian(ity) as a hobby. Screw golf!
Where oh where can my Assyria be...
What has always worked for me was the fact that I would never associate being an Assyrian with being Christian. They always had a problem working together in my life. A bad Lebanese Soap Opera? The Odd Couple Redux maybe? Way too much drama when you put the two together. How can we open the gates of Assyria when all hell is breaking lose over the ChaldoAssyrian name? How can we have an Assyria if it's not just that? Assyria! Not ChristoAssyria. I am an Assyrian first and a Christian second.
Assyria, here I come…
Now that we have a good dozen "political parties" with their own swat team of scholars, let's move on to creating a Constitution. Let's start with creating a set of rules and regulations for the grand opening of Assyria. A simple list of do's and fuget about its. Our very own "Ten (BAM)… No, Nine… Nine Commandments". Remember that these rules are contingent on the approval of Assyria’s Scholars. The real scholars. As soon as they step up to the plate.
Da Frigin’ Rules of Assyria
- No! You may not sponsor Assyria and have the Constitution named after you. Assyria is bigger then "Shlimon's Mediterranean Cuisine".
- AST (Assyrian Standard Time) is in affect to ensure the proper handling of time restraints. The ones put upon us by the UN wanting the Middle East cleaned up and this here Constitution pounded out in 2-3 business days. It can also be useful in scheduling weddings. The new Assyria will have weddings that start at seven. This will help attract tourists.
- Jesus is beautiful. I love Jesus. Please don't forget to leave him at home or in your heart while you’re on the clock working for Assyria. It's a 9 to 5 gig and needs to be taken seriously. Mind you this is temporary. As soon as we build this Assyria thing some legs, you never know, we’ll setup a "bring your Jesus to Assyria" day.
- No Priests allowed. Build a bunch of churches with the motto "if we build them then that's where you BELONG".
- No dogs allowed. I don't like them.
- Reg. Amended: A dog is a domesticated carnivorous mammal (Canis Familiaris). You cannot label someone you don’t like a "dog" and kick them out of Assyria. No Canis Familiaris allowed.
- Reg. Amended: NO! you can't label someone a "Canis Familiaris" and kick them out of Assyria. Forget it! Dogs/Canis Familiaris are now allowed to enter Assyria.
- Scholars must write what the people of Assyria, and not THEM, feel about their country. Incorporating one’s individual hate for a political party into the creation of our constitution in unacceptable. Remember, you say Kubeh I say Kubah, so relax.
- Scholars are not allowed to copy and paste material from other Constitutions to ours in order to add more fluff. Fluffers are only available to those who contribute to make Assyria a new and prosperous country.
- Assyria is not Heaven. The potential is there, a very high ceiling. Just don't think you can walk in and live your life sunbathing in the desert sucking on a Hookah. Think again, there's work to be done. Walk away now and let someone who knows how to spell the word r-e-a-l-i-t-y step in.
- If you can't get along with your neighbors, get lost. Love thy neighbor is the only copy and pasting we'll be doing to this here document. Having a problem with this Reg. buys you a one way ticket to Afghanistan where you'll be pleased to know there will be plenty of neighbors to hate.
There you have it. A beginning to no end… hopefully. Being that I have stepped up and started the process of a new government I think I deserve a little bit of time from the Future Citizens of Assyria.
Although the title of this article is "The Reader for President… of Assyria" I really don't think you'd want Assyria to turn into a whorehouse. So let's move on to plan B(eat). Send me your nominee for President. I will narrow it down to a four person bracket and schedule the first debate. I will then setup the odds and take bets on the final four and call it "Assyria Madness".
Mind you this will be a Mock debate. I don't care to hear their views, so I'll just make something up. We will then have a vote for the final nominees to duke it out for the final prize being Assyrian Idol a.k.a. President of Assyria.
Send all your votes to assyrianreader@yahoo.com
Come one, come all! Marvel at the wonders of Assyria. The lures of those who know nothing being trampled upon by those who love her. An "Ashur and Juliette" in the making. A true romance for the ages.
Good day Assyria, good day!
