Due to the fact that many complained about the language in my previous article, I have decided to give you a cleaner cut of my observations. I hope you enjoy. Before you read, please visit the janitor's office as he has a dangling wad of skeleton keys I'm sure will unlock that mind and open it for this article.
I've done some pretty cool things in my life. In fact, I know you would be impressed. I just prefer not to tell you – I'm modest like that. No, seriously, I'm currently typing this cheek-to-shoulder-blushing. What have you done lately? What have you done for Assyria? What?
Sargon Dadesho won Zinda's person of the year. Younadam Y Kanna is cold chillin' in his new chair. The forums are in an all out gatoo (female cat), and in case someone gets offended gata (male cat) fights about these two gents. The forums either hate Sargon or love him. The forums either hate Dub.Y-K or love him.
I wonder if these lovers and haters understand the concept of inner city gangs and why they were formed. I'm not talking about the big business gangbanging has become today. All the love is in who controls what corner and how much business that corner is generating. I'm talking about old school gangs. Gangs that were formed for the sole reason of protecting their neighborhood from being overtaken by a new nationality. White gangs were formed to chase away the Hispanic and/or Black migration into their neighborhood. They wore leather jackets, tight cuffed jeans and white t-shirts. Black gangs were formed to keep the Hispanics out and had their identity created with specific colors. And, Hispanic gangs were formed to keep Black people out of their neighborhoods with their own flags raised high.
There's something similar happening in Assyria today. We have the Dadesho followers and the Kanna followers. Some might call them political parties debating their cases. I don't know how you can compare them to political parties. Just because they have a political opinion doesn't mean anything. You don't see Democrats flat out accusing Republicans of being traitors because they don't flip to the same page? They might think that, but they're way too smart to make it public. They try to change public opinion but don't mistake that with the so-called political agenda in Assyria.
What you see in Assyria is the same thing you see in today's gang scene. They attack each other out-loud and in public making their hate for one another very clear. If one follower finds out the other follower likes red panties he labels him a devil worshiper. When one follower finds out the other follower's mother prefers Dolma'D Rangeh (all vegetables) over the traditional Dolma'D Tarpeh (only grape leaves) he labels him a sell-out. I'm still waiting for the one follower to call the follower that loves Dikhwa (if you need to ask then you haven't lived) a Q..D or Q---d, I mean Kurd.
The only difference between the gang banging in Assyria and the one out in the streets is a very sad one. They're fighting each other. They're fighting the same fight, against the same culture, for the same reasons. They're protecting Assyria from Assyrians.
Sargon and Younadam. Whether you love, like, hate, or abhor these guys, you have to know that they're doing a whole lot more then the naysayers, the complainers, the internet virtual e-warriors – you people.
Hello Assyria! What have you done for Assyria? What have you done for me? What have you done to make my articles better? Let's find out, shall we?
Aina.com
- Since our last visit: We found out that the whole name change thing wasn't such a good Idea after all. Because of this, we now have our very first introduction to the term "flip-flopper" in Assyria. Vegas odds currently have it as a 1/1 on it turning into the new Assyrian Cliché. Our people finally have a two word attack against each other. I can see it now. "Oshana, I made you Rizza O'Zalata (rice and salad) for dinner tonight". "Ya Bakhta, since when did you go from the Rizza O'Shirwa (rice and stew) to Rizza O'Zalata?" Hoy, Qutma B'reshi (hoy, ashes on me), bekhti elah plip-ploper(my wife, she is flip-flopper)!
- Usual Suspects-
- Ivan Kakovitch - Author of Mount Semele. I can say that I have read the book. Impressive work. The only problem I had was that it took me a couple of days to open the book. You see every single time I picked it up to have myself a little read, I just couldn't get past the back cover. It's a picture of Kako. Nothing wrong with the way he looks except for the fact that it reminded me of every pose Evin Aghasi had on his old 8 track tapes. The only difference is that Evin would sit next to a fireplace. Kako's prop is an exploding mountain. Also note the figure of a person in a jacket without any pants sitting down reading. Pretty cool, being that I do most of my reading on the toilet. I have rings around my hairy cheeks to prove it. If you were to pick between his and Fred Aprim's book, I would advise you thusly: take his if you like back covers and Fred's if you prefer the front cover in books. I think he is banned from the AINA forums. Last I heard from Kako he was starting an Assyrian Parliament. His recruiting went as far as getting Grusha and… that's it, just Grusha. I don't think he got anyone else to sign on, but he sure did find enemies. I think this new Parliament is a league of Assyrian Superheroes. Kako is the leaper of mountains past. Grusha is the sputa of venomous buttocks. Seriously, in his own words he proves me right. Kako calls Peter his arch-nemesis. Peter the dance-aholic, ooohh be careful. Yes indeed, you heard it here first! Kako is the almighty creator of the Assyrian Parliament. Coming soon is the unveiling, where Kako will smash a bottle of Viskey and name his creation "The League of Extraordinarily Talkative ‘Published' Assyrian Gentlemen". Great job on the book though!
- Ashur Beth-Shlimon - Tells people to go back to Damascus. Even if they're not from Damascus. I just checked expedia.com for the latest travel rates to Damascus. "No flights available" it tells me. I guess people are listening. Talks about his extensive knowledge of who's Assyrian and who is NOT. This coming from the same person that ends his posts with a good ol' fashioned true Assyrian cheer of "VIVA ASSYRIA". Yes, even though some may argue that the "Qalqalta" yell of "Qoolqooloolee" is a tad bit (un poquito) more Assyrian then VIVA. Alas, you can't argue with the man unless you've booked your ticket to Damascus.
- Ivan Kakovitch - Author of Mount Semele. I can say that I have read the book. Impressive work. The only problem I had was that it took me a couple of days to open the book. You see every single time I picked it up to have myself a little read, I just couldn't get past the back cover. It's a picture of Kako. Nothing wrong with the way he looks except for the fact that it reminded me of every pose Evin Aghasi had on his old 8 track tapes. The only difference is that Evin would sit next to a fireplace. Kako's prop is an exploding mountain. Also note the figure of a person in a jacket without any pants sitting down reading. Pretty cool, being that I do most of my reading on the toilet. I have rings around my hairy cheeks to prove it. If you were to pick between his and Fred Aprim's book, I would advise you thusly: take his if you like back covers and Fred's if you prefer the front cover in books. I think he is banned from the AINA forums. Last I heard from Kako he was starting an Assyrian Parliament. His recruiting went as far as getting Grusha and… that's it, just Grusha. I don't think he got anyone else to sign on, but he sure did find enemies. I think this new Parliament is a league of Assyrian Superheroes. Kako is the leaper of mountains past. Grusha is the sputa of venomous buttocks. Seriously, in his own words he proves me right. Kako calls Peter his arch-nemesis. Peter the dance-aholic, ooohh be careful. Yes indeed, you heard it here first! Kako is the almighty creator of the Assyrian Parliament. Coming soon is the unveiling, where Kako will smash a bottle of Viskey and name his creation "The League of Extraordinarily Talkative ‘Published' Assyrian Gentlemen". Great job on the book though!
- Final Thoughts: Arguments over debates. More posts and views show up to a good fight then they for to the positive posts. Not a one complimented a new ASSYRIAN website, or the ASSYRIAN fashion show.
Bethsuryoyo.com
- Since our last visit: All heck broke lose in the land of, hiccup, suryoyo.
- Usual Suspects:
- Sh***an - Yes, that's her new name. She will forever be the one we never speak of. Just like A*** A****, formerly of Insideassyria.com. Reminds me of the Shid'd Mar Odisho old wives tales our people told/tell pregnant women. I will forever sleep with a pair of scissors under my bed. You never know, just in case she decides to visit me in my dreams and rant the heck out of me with her hair covering her face –
freaky. - TheBabylonDon - He's a thug, yo. Likes to ram people upside da head with his A-Type personality. He's a Gemini, loves to take long walks through South Central L.A. blasting the Cube's "today was a good day" at sunset. He likes to wine and dine his hizoze with Malt Liqa' and Fried Patatta Chops, extra crispy. Is very efficient in the back handed smack technique passed down to him by Sawi 2-pac. Is big(oted) enough to apologize after insulting your mother and her grand-pappi's neighbor's dog. Yep, welcome to Assyria indeed.
- G.S. - He's been accused of stalking and dehumanizing Sh***an. Is very much so in the know when it comes to tough guys like The Don. Offered to meet The Don for a good old-fashioned Assyrian Brawl. Thank you for adding to the stereotype that is inching closer and closer to becoming a reality. You know, the one that says Assyrian men are hotheaded morons. Thank you for making racial profiling for Assyrian men a reality in the imminent future. We're not there just yet, but thanks to you we are making leaps and bounds beyond the norm to get there.
- Sh***an - Yes, that's her new name. She will forever be the one we never speak of. Just like A*** A****, formerly of Insideassyria.com. Reminds me of the Shid'd Mar Odisho old wives tales our people told/tell pregnant women. I will forever sleep with a pair of scissors under my bed. You never know, just in case she decides to visit me in my dreams and rant the heck out of me with her hair covering her face –
- Final Thoughts: It's a cockfight. You know, roosters. At first it's interesting but it ultimately cools down. Kind of like the 1000th episode of Maury Povich's "Who's your daddy DNA testing".
Assyrianvoice.com
- Since our last visit: It's assyrianvoice.NET!! You got that? DUPA (DOT) NET!!!
- Usual Suspects: There's so many of these rugrats running around. I'm going to start with the boys and save the girls for my next article. YES there's more to come. This site is the epitome of what being Assyrian with a bunch of Assyrians is all about.
- Ashoor - THE ADMIN… He's so nice. In fact, of all the admins that I have reviewed his site is the most creative. Yet he still insists on being nice to people. Why? No God Complex? Are you telling me there's no Assyrian Admin theme here? I really want this guy to give me something good, but he's just flat out nice. The guy's so nice that he wrote an article about the reason he believes why Toronto has yet to build an Assyrian Church. His reason is because people build churches. He basically asked Assyrians to donate and help build a church in his hometown. In the nicest way imaginable. Than he gets trashed for this? Are we so hard up on being criticized that we would attack truly good people on their opinion? You should be lucky to have someone like Ashoor. Good job! Keep it up… no check that. Adjust your jeans and demand to be heard! Maybe if you shift them to the left for some air.
- Rumrum - This is a first. I swear on everything holy. I've seen Assyrian Wannabe Gangsters, and I've seen real Assyrian Thugs. I've seen this new breed of Assyrian Metrosexuals (people who dress with the fashion sense of a homosexual, but who are heterosexual), but he's the first wannabe Assyrian Metrosexual I have encountered. Just had to say that and I hope you can get passed the wannabe part and become an all out Assyrian Metrosexual some day. Just doing my bit part to help avoid anymore of these new Assyrian Valley Girls.
- Salem - Film Buff. I enjoy reading his reviews. He is also an Admin on this site. It's funny though, he's always banning people. I think he and Ashoor play "good admin, bad admin". Ashoor is all nice and asks people to play nice and apologize. The kids listen to Ashoor and sign in to apologize only to find that they've been banned by Salem. Salem is that Assyrian that walks around in Qup-Qapeh thumping about demanding a grand entrance. He is evolving to become the "The One". The one that will become the ultimate OPINION CHANGER. Watch out you other admins, your savior has arrived. He has come to kick you outta Assyria.
- Vindicated A.I. - God (yes I said God, Pancho) bless Assyrian Women. I don't know what she writes. Have yet to get past her picture. Yeah I know I said I'd discuss the girls in the next article, but I couldn't help it.
- Birko - Ever heard the saying, "breath of fresh air"? That's this kid. I can't say enough about this kid. He is young but knows more about his culture then most people twice his age. He's a walking "do-over" card. Because of who he is, he makes up for a good five numbskulls that know nothing but how to light up a joint. Stop what you're doing right now and go visit this site, find any and all posts by this kid, read them and be proud a Assyrian.
- J-Rok - Is meathead a bad word? That's the first impression you get of this guy. He's one of the few who didn't get the memo about WRITING IN ALL CAPS. After reading some of his posts you look past the buffed up ego and realize he is funny. You see his comedy is of that special kind. He does it intentionally and unintentionally. Example: George Bush thinking the camera in front of him is off, gives it the finger and then lands on the Internet? Intentional Comedy. George Bush trying to be the leader of a country and screwing it up? Unintentional Comedy. J-ROK talking about Tyrayeh and quoting some Tyrayeh sayings with the word Tlatha(3)? Intentional Comedy. J-ROK trying very hard to give someone some serious advise in all CAPS and somehow thinking he makes sense? UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY AT IT'S BEST.
- ShoeMaker - Nothing much there. Just wanted to point out his fixation with soccer players groping each other. He's usually one of those posters you bypass, but the amount of time he's dedicated to finding soccer players touching each other is absolutely fascinating.
- Ashoor - THE ADMIN… He's so nice. In fact, of all the admins that I have reviewed his site is the most creative. Yet he still insists on being nice to people. Why? No God Complex? Are you telling me there's no Assyrian Admin theme here? I really want this guy to give me something good, but he's just flat out nice. The guy's so nice that he wrote an article about the reason he believes why Toronto has yet to build an Assyrian Church. His reason is because people build churches. He basically asked Assyrians to donate and help build a church in his hometown. In the nicest way imaginable. Than he gets trashed for this? Are we so hard up on being criticized that we would attack truly good people on their opinion? You should be lucky to have someone like Ashoor. Good job! Keep it up… no check that. Adjust your jeans and demand to be heard! Maybe if you shift them to the left for some air.
- Final Thoughts: Like I said before, fun and addictive! This site WILL become your Assyrian Narcotic of choice
insideassyria.com
- Since our last visit: The man's still ranting.
- Usual Suspect:
- Jeff - is now a Eunich and The Reader supposedly has a crush on him.
- Tiglath - The very first Assyrian Investigative Reporter. Very intelligent. Then he had to go and ruin it. Got to his head. He started to post his new investigation on Ken Joseph. Don't get me wrong, he was doing his job, that's their business. He was working that Tiglath magic that I read in his previous posts and articles when IT happened. He did IT. And I can't believe it. Like Dorothy Boyd said to Jerry McGuire, "you had me at hello". You couldn't just leave it at that. You had to introduce the almighty cliché that separates the Men from Boys. That one cliché that separates the Hunter S. Thompsons' of the world from the Andy Rooneys'. He got so happy with the newly formed fan base (about three people on this site) that he had to do IT. He was on a roll and ended one of his many posts with "STAY TUNED". No. You have just been TUNED OUT!
- Jeff - is now a Eunich and The Reader supposedly has a crush on him.
- Final Thoughts: As usual this site isn't out to impress anyone. It is what it is, someone else's opinion. A different opinion then what Assyrians are used to. I guess I can see how some people can get offended, but don't you think they get offended at you being offended?
I've done some pretty cool things in my life!
Yet with all that I've done, it will never come close to what my parents have accomplished. Work hard, stay clean, feed family, clean family, in hopes that they will make something of Assyria. "Do for yourself and your culture will benefit". Never understood what that meant until last summer.
Last Summer I was at a very famous sporting event. I met a famous American singer attending the same event. The singer overheard me cracking a couple of jokes and decided to send my entire group a round of drinks. After the sporting event, this famous singer met up with us at a bar where he asked what nationality we were. Assyrian, said I! What the flying irba, said he. I then gave him my monologue, I'm sure we all have one being that we're asked so many times, of who the Assyrians are. Not the full monologue, just the Reader's Digest condensed version.
He was fascinated and then asked if we knew of anyone selling "snow" that day. Cocaine! I've never moved from my Assyrian Monologue to Cocaine, how the flying Irba did that just happen? We said no, he lost interest, and sped off in his search for Valhalla.
Later that night as my friend and I were driving home we see a stumbling white man on a bus stop. Stopped at a light this stumbling crack-head comes towards my car with a big smile. "Hey, you're that Syrian dude" he slurred. ASSYRIAN!!!, I said. "Oh, sorry, can you give me a ride"? So I said, "you're famous, where's your limo". He looks at me with blood shot eyes and says "I don't have one, I went off with some guys to get an 8-ball of snow, and now I can't remember where I parked my car. Give me a ride, please". At first I was going to leave this idiot in hopes he gets picked up by the cops, or better yet the Paparazzi. But, I thought that maybe I could get something off of him. Why not? It's the modern Assyrian in me, gimme back my Assyria.
So I gave him a ride to the address on the card he handed me. I flat out asked him to offer up something impressive, like tickets to his next concert. He apologized and said that all he had to offer was an autograph, unless I was willing to give him my address so he can send the tickets later. No way I'm giving him my address, so I agreed to accept his autograph as payment. He wiggles around in the back seat for a while until he pulls out a glossy piece of paper, flips it to the white space, scribbles and signs. He thanks me with his nostrils now two deformed scabs with holes and wobbles out.
I drive off laughing at this pure excuse for a role model. Park my car, take a look at my new autograph. He wrote, "I owe you one "Syrian" Dude". Yes, he had Syrian in quotes as if to say "I finally got it right". I flip it over to see a picture of this idiot, clean nostrils, standing next to George W. Bush.
Yep, do for yourself and your culture will benefit. Say that with the accent of a true Assyrian and you get, "You are your culture". It's alllllll you. You are Assyria. I just watch to show you what everyone else sees.
Apologies
This section is dedicated to the amount of complaints I received via e-mail and posted on forums. They are truly from the bottom of my heart. Brishid deya article, I swear?
Grusha - I'm sorry to say that I've never been banned from the forums. Hell, I've never posted, hence the name. And I take back the parliament leader comment, you follower of Kako, you.
Peter - Sorry to include a visual of my buttocks to accompany the Maroon baboon image. I can say I now know a bit about you. You have a sense of humor to go along with that Mod title. I like that so much that I'm willing to take you out "dancing".
Fred Aprim - Now that I've been published I take back all the comments I've made about OUR form of "publishing". It feels good. I hope you can welcome me in the club of "published Assyrians".
I hope I didn't offend anyone, it's just an observation. Until next time Assyria, I really do love you.
