Born, raised and a proud Assyrian. Assyrian I am, but knowledgeable I am not. Don't get me wrong ? please ? everyone else does, so give me a little break here. I am knowledgeable of our culture. Also knowledgeable of our religion, if some of us still practice any at all. The one thing I know nothing about is Assyrian Individuals.
I meet people in Church, yes. I meet them in weddings, why not. Are they who they say they are or just the typical "shlamalookh" Assyrians? You don't see that in other cultures. Everyone has their own identities that they are more then happy to share with others. The Assyrians you meet in church are either interested in how your dead grandparents are doing, which always leads to the "my God, I didn't know" look, or what the "other" church is up to. The wedding Assyrians are either there to get drunk, to gossip, or to crash a wedding to get drunk for free before heading out to the club scene. The latter I have been guilty of. Being an Assyrian you're technically not "really" crashing any Assyrian wedding. Hell, chances are I'm somehow related to this couple. I just don't realize it!!! Never got the "pleased to meet you I'm your fuckin' cousin memo". If I did know you, I wouldn't be at your wedding because you're probably as fake as my ass is hairy. And, that's a whole lot.
The above babble was a flashback to the 1900's. On to the new century and a new form of communication for Assyrians. Online Forums! Please help me get to know you.
What better way to speak your mind and not fear any repercussions! I have always been that Assyrian that has pissed off many (be it in churches and/or weddings), all because I have an opinion. I'm sure there are many more Assyrians like myself? I hope. But, the majority keeps a tight lip on what they feel is right. That all changed when these people were introduced to their personal security blanket. C'mon, help me get to know you!
Today we have forums like aina.com, insideassyria.com, bethsuryoyo.com, assyrianvoice.com, and many others. I'll try to introduce you to four or five chaps from each site. I'd like to take you on a tour of these forums and give you a little taste of who our people are. You're probably asking yourself three questions. Why online forums? Why not tell us of the multiple meetings our so-called political leaders have on a daily basis? Why not the churches? Unfortunately, they all have the same answer. They're not telling us how they really feel. The forums do. Hide behind a nickname if you will, but tell me what is on that Assyrian mind of yours and don't hold back. Online Forums, pleased to meet the real you!!!
The below names are assumed to be "Nicknames". If the poster is using their real name then they are at fault.
Aina.com
- Purpose: A bunch of so-called scholars discuss "Assyrian Politics" by using big words. Why the fuck do these people think using a big word makes them sound intelligent? Sorry to break this to you, but with the invention of online forums comes a free thesaurus attached to every writing software. Try making sense every once in a while. Here's an example without the big words, "you're out of fucking control". Now that's intelligent.
- Usual Suspects
- Peter the moderator, a total unknown for me. He posts every now and then to correct people. No, not moderate his forum, but CORRECT the participants. Go ahead and post an "opinion" about the history of red assed baboons and watch him work. He comes out with towering defiance mistaking your opinion for a fact gone wrong and CORECTS it. "Oh no my feeble minded brother. Baboon asses are of the Maroon flavor and not Red. Therefore my hypothesis is correct, you are wrong to call them red assed". Here I always thought surgeons had God complexes.
- Fred Aprim, the self-proclaimed leader of scholars for the new Assyria. Uses a lot of big words and has forked up a dollar or two "publishing" his own books. Fred, there is a reason why people GET published. Read your books and hear my plea, YOU NEED AN EDITOR. Aprim has a legion of scholars that can't wait for Assyria's grand opening so that they can chill in the scholar's garden and talk about stuff. You know, stuff. Similar to Imperial China with scholars all decked out in dresses. Aprim became a leader by talking down to these poor souls who now follow the pied piper.
- There's also menacing figures like Grusha, the self-proclaimed creator of an Assyrian Parliament. This SECRET parliament has been in the works for a couple of years now. Question, if it's a secret why the hell have you been bragging about it? A post started by Aprim and replied to by Grusha is always a must read.
- Wm warda Ben, another soon to be self-published writer for the greater Assyria. This poster's story is quite amusing. The posts are plagiarized from history books without reference. Why should he provide references, hell Assyrians are bound to believe him? He uses big words. The real enjoyment comes in with the constant push from Fred to have wm warda Ben finally put his words to paper and "publish" a book. This is great, the first Assyrian Prot?g? for the "published" crowd.
- Doozoota, who ends all his posts with the brilliant mantra "Death to all that oppose Assyria", is an enjoyable nutbag. He's that little brother that never takes a bath. You're embarrassed of him when friends are around, but never hesitate to set his stinking ass loose on your enemies.
- Final Thoughts - You have multiple stories of current events that all start with a child's enthusiasm and hope for a better future. Too bad they end with the same screeching cry of "we've been had, bamboozled, and dry fucked by "Kurds" (yes, that's how you spell it, you Q***d). Aina.com can be an enjoyable read if you can look past all the self important "look at me, look at me, please" posts. There are good times to be had like when newbies are attacked with big words, or how opinions change in a matter of posts. Fear rules on aina and the great scholars of Eden sure as hell are enjoying it. Can you imagine cornering all this passion in one room with a lot of scotch? I can? welcome to Assyria, baby.
- Peter the moderator, a total unknown for me. He posts every now and then to correct people. No, not moderate his forum, but CORRECT the participants. Go ahead and post an "opinion" about the history of red assed baboons and watch him work. He comes out with towering defiance mistaking your opinion for a fact gone wrong and CORECTS it. "Oh no my feeble minded brother. Baboon asses are of the Maroon flavor and not Red. Therefore my hypothesis is correct, you are wrong to call them red assed". Here I always thought surgeons had God complexes.
Bethsuryoyo.com
- Purpose: I have no idea what the purpose of this site is. In fact I always thought that "Suryoyo" was the way you say "suraya" (Assyrian) after a couple of glasses of Hennessey. Hell, there are only a couple of participants on this site with the occasional infiltration of a Kurd or Arab? which by the way calls for some fun times.
- Usual Suspects
- Hannah Hajar the moderator, again, a total unknown for me. He posts every now and then to correct people. I'm thinking this is the prerequisite to being an Assyrian Moderator, correcting people on their OPINIONS. In the end I am happy that some Assyrians have something in common.
- Shushan, Born again and again Christian. Woowee, this board should be getting about a thousand hits a day due to this character? seven hundred by her. Very hard to read and equally hard not to read. She has a number of posters attacking her, but she does a fine job fighting back, I think. Every forum has that diesel fueled by emotion. The best part is the multiple posts of how she will stop posting. Get it, MULTIPLE posts?
- The rest ? Can't really figure this place out. They are either attacking poor little Shushan or playing nice with her. The funny thing is that all the "Assyrian" posts come from social posters and not the regulars. They're too busy crying a river.
- Final Thoughts - Not too many posts. I guess after reading one of Shushans' posts you really don't have the wahas.
- Hannah Hajar the moderator, again, a total unknown for me. He posts every now and then to correct people. I'm thinking this is the prerequisite to being an Assyrian Moderator, correcting people on their OPINIONS. In the end I am happy that some Assyrians have something in common.
Assyrianvoice.com
- Purpose: Next generation. The young crowd. As with all young guns they either research gonads or rant about their day.
- Usual Suspects- Way too may of them. You've got the message boards that have a huge Chaldean vs. Assyrian match going on. Stereotypes Galore! It's great to see the Dads of our world instilling the "My Culture's better then yours" approach here. Little pesky fire ants posting thousands upon thousands of threads. Absolutely amazing, how the sheer number of senseless posts outweighs the intelligent ones. Or you can visit the new forums where the moderators are of the Gestapo kind. I guess going to the other sites is a crystal ball's sneak preview to them. I do have to admit that the forums are hip. They offer up a great a Pulp Fiction feel to the Assyrian Language. Between the message board and forums you can easily shift from Jerry Springer to a good book.
- Final Thoughts ? Of all the sites, this one is so damn addictive. It is good to see that the anti-everyone mentality hasn't totally corrupted the forum side of this site. They don't carry the talk shit + talk shit = waste of time mentality.
insideassyria.com
- Purpose: One man's rant against the conglomerate named "Jesus".
- Usual Suspect ? Not much here.
- You've got the occasional Fidel Castro post by Jeff. I think he's our version of Hanoi Fonda. We can call him Castrated Jeff.
- Pancho- He is the site. Or, he became the site when all the rest banned his crazy ass. I think he was constantly "fucking" people online. Has a word fetish? haven't seen someone use the word Cunt with such passion since Swearengon opened for business in Deadwood. Daily posts of him trashing all who have ever wronged him in life. Mind you, saying bless you translates to fuck you in his world. If he is insane I hope there is no cure for it. You have the history of Shumirum locked up in some basement. The constant evil flashbacks to what drove him to this desert. The making of a great novel. Imagine the Count of Monte Cristo having a jail version that documents his daily activity in that cell. Now give it an Assyrian backdrop. Add a lot of profanity/blasphemy/Pablo Picaso and you got pancho. He is a true nut, but you get a feeling that he's proud to be a nut. The Assyrian Nut. Looking forward to the day he sends Shushan his ear.
- Final Thoughts ? Fucking nuts. It really says something when you can dedicate so much brainpower to knocking your enemies. In the end it's nice to read an Edgar Allan Poe. This whole Assyrian Harry Potter thing was getting old.
- You've got the occasional Fidel Castro post by Jeff. I think he's our version of Hanoi Fonda. We can call him Castrated Jeff.
In the end we have the new and the old. A new form of communication where we can finally speak our mind, albeit hidden, but it is better then being a "shlamalookh (superficial)" Assyrian. The bad is the usual virus that clouds our judgement and attacks with the splitting ferociousness of a certain John Holmes muscle. Take a look at every one of these forums and see the deadly common denominator. We can't enjoy anything new without breaking into an all out brawl. Shame on the nigga who runs game on the nigga.
I hope I didn't offend anyone; it's just an observation. I'd like to end with a quick thank you to all that made this possible. I've been "published"!
