Assyrian Reparations and Affirmative Action

Community Urinal

The Reader: Assyria Revisited

Due to the fact that many complained about the language in my previous article, I have decided to give you a cleaner cut of my observations.  I hope you enjoy.  Before you read, please visit the janitor's office as he has a dangling wad of skeleton keys I'm sure will unlock that mind and open it for this article.

I've done some pretty cool things in my life.  In fact, I know you would be impressed.  I just prefer not to tell you – I'm modest like that.  No, seriously, I'm currently typing this cheek-to-shoulder-blushing.  What have you done lately?  What have you done for Assyria?  What?

Sargon Dadesho won Zinda's person of the year.  Younadam Y Kanna is cold chillin' in his new chair.  The forums are in an all out gatoo (female cat), and in case someone gets offended gata (male cat) fights about these two gents.  The forums either hate Sargon or love him.  The forums either hate Dub.Y-K or love him. 

I wonder if these lovers and haters understand the concept of inner city gangs and why they were formed.  I'm not talking about the big business gangbanging has become today.  All the love is in who controls what corner and how much business that corner is generating.  I'm talking about old school gangs.  Gangs that were formed for the sole reason of protecting their neighborhood from being overtaken by a new nationality.  White gangs were formed to chase away the Hispanic and/or Black migration into their neighborhood.  They wore leather jackets, tight cuffed jeans and white t-shirts.  Black gangs were formed to keep the Hispanics out and had their identity created with specific colors.  And, Hispanic gangs were formed to keep Black people out of their neighborhoods with their own flags raised high.

There's something similar happening in Assyria today.  We have the Dadesho followers and the Kanna followers.  Some might call them political parties debating their cases.  I don't know how you can compare them to political parties.  Just because they have a political opinion doesn't mean anything.  You don't see Democrats flat out accusing Republicans of being traitors because they don't flip to the same page?  They might think that, but they're way too smart to make it public.  They try to change public opinion but don't mistake that with the so-called political agenda in Assyria.  

What you see in Assyria is the same thing you see in today's gang scene.  They attack each other out-loud and in public making their hate for one another very clear.  If one follower finds out the other follower likes red panties he labels him a devil worshiper.  When one follower finds out the other follower's mother prefers Dolma'D Rangeh (all vegetables) over the traditional Dolma'D Tarpeh (only grape leaves) he labels him a sell-out.  I'm still waiting for the one follower to call the follower that loves Dikhwa (if you need to ask then you haven't lived) a Q..D or Q---d, I mean Kurd.

The only difference between the gang banging in Assyria and the one out in the streets is a very sad one.  They're fighting each other.  They're fighting the same fight, against the same culture, for the same reasons.  They're protecting Assyria from Assyrians.

Sargon and Younadam.  Whether you love, like, hate, or abhor these guys, you have to know that they're doing a whole lot more then the naysayers, the complainers, the internet virtual e-warriors – you people. 

Hello Assyria!  What have you done for Assyria? What have you done for me?  What have you done to make my articles better?  Let's find out, shall we?

Aina.com

• Since our last visit: We found out that the whole name change thing wasn't such a good Idea after all.  Because of this, we now have our very first introduction to the term "flip-flopper" in Assyria.  Vegas odds currently have it as a 1/1 on it turning into the new Assyrian Cliché.  Our people finally have a two word attack against each other.  I can see it now.  "Oshana, I made you Rizza O'Zalata (rice and salad) for dinner tonight".  "Ya Bakhta, since when did you go from the Rizza O'Shirwa (rice and stew) to Rizza O'Zalata?"  Hoy, Qutma B'reshi (hoy, ashes on me), bekhti elah plip-ploper(my wife, she is flip-flopper)!
  
  
• Usual Suspects- 
  
  
  
  1. Ivan Kakovitch - Author of Mount Semele.  I can say that I have read the book.  Impressive work.  The only problem I had was that it took me a couple of days to open the book.  You see every single time I picked it up to have myself a little read, I just couldn't get past the back cover.   It's a picture of Kako.  Nothing wrong with the way he looks except for the fact that it reminded me of every pose Evin Aghasi had on his old 8 track tapes.  The only difference is that Evin would sit next to a fireplace.  Kako's prop is an exploding mountain.  Also note the figure of a person in a jacket without any pants sitting down reading.  Pretty cool, being that I do most of my reading on the toilet.  I have rings around my hairy cheeks to prove it.  If you were to pick between his and Fred Aprim's book, I would advise you thusly:  take his if you like back covers and Fred's if you prefer the front cover in books.  I think he is banned from the AINA forums.  Last I heard from Kako he was starting an Assyrian Parliament.  His recruiting went as far as getting Grusha and… that's it, just Grusha.  I don't think he got anyone else to sign on, but he sure did find enemies.  I think this new Parliament is a league of Assyrian Superheroes.  Kako is the leaper of mountains past.  Grusha is the sputa of venomous buttocks.  Seriously, in his own words he proves me right.  Kako calls Peter his arch-nemesis. Peter the dance-aholic, ooohh be careful. Yes indeed, you heard it here first!  Kako is the almighty creator of the Assyrian Parliament.  Coming soon is the unveiling, where Kako will smash a bottle of Viskey and name his creation "The League of Extraordinarily Talkative ‘Published' Assyrian Gentlemen".  Great job on the book though!
     
     
  2. Ashur Beth-Shlimon - Tells people to go back to Damascus.  Even if they're not from Damascus.  I just checked expedia.com for the latest travel rates to Damascus.  "No flights available" it tells me.  I guess people are listening.  Talks about his extensive knowledge of who's Assyrian and who is NOT.  This coming from the same person that ends his posts with a good ol' fashioned true Assyrian cheer of "VIVA ASSYRIA".  Yes, even though some may argue that the "Qalqalta" yell of "Qoolqooloolee" is a tad bit (un poquito) more Assyrian then VIVA.  Alas, you can't argue with the man unless you've booked your ticket to Damascus.
  
  
  
• Final Thoughts: Arguments over debates.  More posts and views show up to a good fight then they for to the positive posts.  Not a one complimented a new ASSYRIAN website, or the ASSYRIAN fashion show. 
  

Bethsuryoyo.com

• Since our last visit:  All heck broke lose in the land of, hiccup, suryoyo.
  
• Usual Suspects:
  
  
  
  1. Sh***an - Yes, that's her new name.  She will forever be the one we never speak of.  Just like A*** A****, formerly of Insideassyria.com.  Reminds me of the Shid'd Mar Odisho old wives tales our people told/tell pregnant women.  I will forever sleep with a pair of scissors under my bed.  You never know, just in case she decides to visit me in my dreams and rant the heck out of me with her hair covering her face –
     freaky.
     
     
  2. TheBabylonDon - He's a thug, yo.  Likes to ram people upside da head with his A-Type personality.  He's a Gemini, loves to take long walks through South Central L.A. blasting the Cube's "today was a good day" at sunset.  He likes to wine and dine his hizoze with Malt Liqa' and Fried Patatta Chops, extra crispy.  Is very efficient in the back handed smack technique passed down to him by Sawi 2-pac.  Is big(oted) enough to apologize after insulting your mother and her grand-pappi's neighbor's dog.  Yep, welcome to Assyria indeed.
     
  3. G.S. - He's been accused of stalking and dehumanizing Sh***an.  Is very much so in the know when it comes to tough guys like The Don.  Offered to meet The Don for a good old-fashioned Assyrian Brawl.  Thank you for adding to the stereotype that is inching closer and closer to becoming a reality.  You know, the one that says Assyrian men are hotheaded morons.  Thank you for making racial profiling for Assyrian men a reality in the imminent future.  We're not there just yet, but thanks to you we are making leaps and bounds beyond the norm to get there.
  
  
  
• Final Thoughts: It's a cockfight.  You know, roosters.  At first it's interesting but it ultimately cools down.  Kind of like the 1000th episode of Maury Povich's "Who's your daddy DNA testing". 
  

Assyrianvoice.com

• Since our last visit: It's assyrianvoice.NET!! You got that?  DUPA (DOT) NET!!!
  
  
• Usual Suspects: There's so many of these rugrats running around.  I'm going to start with the boys and save the girls for my next article.  YES there's more to come.  This site is the epitome of what being Assyrian with a bunch of Assyrians is all about.
  
  
  
  1. Ashoor - THE ADMIN… He's so nice.  In fact, of all the admins that I have reviewed his site is the most creative.  Yet he still insists on being nice to people.  Why?  No God Complex?  Are you telling me there's no Assyrian Admin theme here?  I really want this guy to give me something good, but he's just flat out nice.  The guy's so nice that he wrote an article about the reason he believes why Toronto has yet to build an Assyrian Church.  His reason is because people build churches.  He basically asked Assyrians to donate and help build a church in his hometown.  In the nicest way imaginable.  Than he gets trashed for this?  Are we so hard up on being criticized that we would attack truly good people on their opinion?  You should be lucky to have someone like Ashoor.  Good job!  Keep it up… no check that.  Adjust your jeans and demand to be heard!  Maybe if you shift them to the left for some air. 
     
     
  2. Rumrum - This is a first.  I swear on everything holy.  I've seen Assyrian Wannabe Gangsters, and I've seen real Assyrian Thugs.  I've seen this new breed of Assyrian Metrosexuals (people who dress with the fashion sense of a homosexual, but who are heterosexual), but he's the first wannabe Assyrian Metrosexual I have encountered.  Just had to say that and I hope you can get passed the wannabe part and become an all out Assyrian Metrosexual some day.  Just doing my bit part to help avoid anymore of these new Assyrian Valley Girls.
     
  3. Salem -  Film Buff.  I enjoy reading his reviews. He is also an Admin on this site.  It's funny though, he's always banning people.  I think he and Ashoor play "good admin, bad admin".  Ashoor is all nice and asks people to play nice and apologize.  The kids listen to Ashoor and sign in to apologize only to find that they've been banned by Salem.  Salem is that Assyrian that walks around in Qup-Qapeh thumping about demanding a grand entrance.  He is evolving to become the "The One".  The one that will become the ultimate OPINION CHANGER.  Watch out you other admins, your savior has arrived.  He has come to kick you outta Assyria.
     
     
  4. Vindicated A.I. - God (yes I said God, Pancho) bless Assyrian Women.  I don't know what she writes.  Have yet to get past her picture.  Yeah I know I said I'd discuss the girls in the next article, but I couldn't help it.
     
  5. Birko - Ever heard the saying, "breath of fresh air"?  That's this kid.  I can't say enough about this kid.  He is young but knows more about his culture then most people twice his age.  He's a walking "do-over" card.  Because of who he is, he makes up for a good five numbskulls that know nothing but how to light up a joint.  Stop what you're doing right now and go visit this site, find any and all posts by this kid, read them and be proud a Assyrian.
     
     
  6. J-Rok - Is meathead a bad word?  That's the first impression you get of this guy.  He's one of the few who didn't get the memo about WRITING IN ALL CAPS.  After reading some of his posts you look past the buffed up ego and realize he is funny.  You see his comedy is of that special kind.  He does it intentionally and unintentionally.  Example:  George Bush thinking the camera in front of him is off, gives it the finger and then lands on the Internet?  Intentional Comedy.  George Bush trying to be the leader of a country and screwing it up?  Unintentional Comedy.  J-ROK talking about Tyrayeh and quoting some Tyrayeh sayings with the word Tlatha(3)?  Intentional Comedy.  J-ROK trying very hard to give someone some serious advise in all CAPS and somehow thinking he makes sense?  UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY AT IT'S BEST.
     
     
  7. ShoeMaker - Nothing much there.  Just wanted to point out his fixation with soccer players groping each other.  He's usually one of those posters you bypass, but the amount of time he's dedicated to finding soccer players touching each other is absolutely fascinating.
  
  
• Final Thoughts: Like I said before, fun and addictive!  This site WILL become your Assyrian Narcotic of choice
  

insideassyria.com

• Since our last visit: The man's still ranting.
  
• Usual Suspect:
  
  
  
  
  1. Jeff - is now a Eunich and The Reader supposedly has a crush on him.
     
  2. Tiglath - The very first Assyrian Investigative Reporter.  Very intelligent.  Then he had to go and ruin it.  Got to his head.  He started to post his new investigation on Ken Joseph.  Don't get me wrong, he was doing his job, that's their business.  He was working that Tiglath magic that I read in his previous posts and articles when IT happened.  He did IT.  And I can't believe it.  Like Dorothy Boyd said to Jerry McGuire, "you had me at hello".  You couldn't just leave it at that.  You had to introduce the almighty cliché that separates the Men from Boys.  That one cliché that separates the Hunter S. Thompsons' of the world from the Andy Rooneys'.  He got so happy with the newly formed fan base (about three people on this site) that he had to do IT.  He was on a roll and ended one of his many posts with "STAY TUNED".  No.  You have just been TUNED OUT!
  
  
  
• Final Thoughts: As usual this site isn't out to impress anyone.  It is what it is, someone else's opinion.  A different opinion then what Assyrians are used to.  I guess I can see how some people can get offended, but don't you think they get offended at you being offended?

I've done some pretty cool things in my life!

Yet with all that I've done, it will never come close to what my parents have accomplished.  Work hard, stay clean, feed family, clean family, in hopes that they will make something of Assyria.  "Do for yourself and your culture will benefit".  Never understood what that meant until last summer.

Last Summer I was at a very famous sporting event.  I met a famous American singer attending the same event.  The singer overheard me cracking a couple of jokes and decided to send my entire group a round of drinks.  After the sporting event, this famous singer met up with us at a bar where he asked what nationality we were.  Assyrian, said I!  What the flying irba, said he.  I then gave him my monologue, I'm sure we all have one being that we're asked so many times, of who the Assyrians are.  Not the full monologue, just the Reader's Digest condensed version.

He was fascinated and then asked if we knew of anyone selling "snow" that day.  Cocaine!  I've never moved from my Assyrian Monologue to Cocaine, how the flying Irba did that just happen?  We said no, he lost interest, and sped off in his search for Valhalla.

Later that night as my friend and I were driving home we see a stumbling white man on a bus stop.  Stopped at a light this stumbling crack-head comes towards my car with a big smile.  "Hey, you're that Syrian dude" he slurred.  ASSYRIAN!!!, I said.  "Oh, sorry, can you give me a ride"?   So I said, "you're famous, where's your limo".  He looks at me with blood shot eyes and says "I don't have one, I went off with some guys to get an 8-ball of snow, and now I can't remember where I parked my car.  Give me a ride, please".  At first I was going to leave this idiot in hopes he gets picked up by the cops, or better yet the Paparazzi.  But, I thought that maybe I could get something off of him.  Why not?  It's the modern Assyrian in me, gimme back my Assyria. 

So I gave him a ride to the address on the card he handed me.  I flat out asked him to offer up something impressive, like tickets to his next concert.  He apologized and said that all he had to offer was an autograph, unless I was willing to give him my address so he can send the tickets later.  No way I'm giving him my address, so I agreed to accept his autograph as payment.   He wiggles around in the back seat for a while until he pulls out a glossy piece of paper, flips it to the white space, scribbles and signs.  He thanks me with his nostrils now two deformed scabs with holes and wobbles out.

I drive off laughing at this pure excuse for a role model.  Park my car, take a look at my new autograph.  He wrote, "I owe you one "Syrian" Dude".  Yes, he had Syrian in quotes as if to say "I finally got it right".  I flip it over to see a picture of this idiot, clean nostrils, standing next to George W. Bush.   

Yep, do for yourself and your culture will benefit.  Say that with the accent of a true Assyrian and you get, "You are your culture".  It's alllllll you.  You are Assyria.  I just watch to show you what everyone else sees.

Apologies

This section is dedicated to the amount of complaints I received via e-mail and posted on forums.  They are truly from the bottom of my heart.  Brishid deya article, I swear?

Grusha - I'm sorry to say that I've never been banned from the forums.  Hell, I've never posted, hence the name.  And I take back the parliament leader comment, you follower of Kako, you. 

Peter - Sorry to include a visual of my buttocks to accompany the Maroon baboon image.  I can say I now know a bit about you.  You have a sense of humor to go along with that Mod title.  I like that so much that I'm willing to take you out "dancing".

Fred Aprim - Now that I've been published I take back all the comments I've made about OUR form of "publishing".  It feels good.  I hope you can welcome me in the club of "published Assyrians".

I hope I didn't offend anyone, it's just an observation. Until next time Assyria, I really do love you.

Iraqi but I am an American now.

I wanted to tell you about an old Iraqi couple that I know.

The man and his wife are now US citizens. When I visited them last, they were studying for their exams to become citizens. You have to know a certain amount of English, American history, etc. The husband knows English moderately well, but his wife barely knows a word. She only knows Surath and Arabic.

So, we got to talking, and he showed me the paperwork for him and his wife... stamped by the Department of Homeland Security and what-not. Then, he showed me his old Iraqi passport, which must have been at least 20 or more years old. It was green, and everything was in Arabic and English. There were stamps from Iraq, Jordan, the Coalition Provisional Authority, and the US. One funny stamp read that he could travel to all countries, "EXCEPT ISRAL" (meaning Israel).

He and his wife are both over 70 years old. Now that they are citizens, they are officially "retired". They are very poor...getting food stamps and what not.

Throughout our conversation, the husband said repeatedly, "I am an American now. / This is the life./" He showed me a power of attorney form that he filed and sent to Iraq for his son, who lives in his house in Baghdad, so that his son might be able to collect on his retirement. He worked for an Iraqi bank for 27 years, then retired, and still gets a retirement salary...but since he's in the US, they didn't have any proof that he was still alive, so he had to get all of this documentation from local and state and federal offices, have it shipped to Washington, stamped by the Iraqi embassy, and then shipped to Iraq. At the bank, he was in charge of the credit division. He numbered his applications starting at 1, and when he retired, the number was somewhere over 32,000... my god! He also worked part time as an accountant at a company for 30+ years, where they imported from every country, except Israel!

He told me that in the 70s, 1 dinar was equivalent to $3.2 US Dollars. At that time, he had something like 300,000 dinars in the bank. If only he would have converted his money then... now, a US Dollar is worth 1500 Dinars. So, his money, which could have easily been worth a million US Dollars or more, is now worth about $750. Imagine, if you can, living in Baghdad in the height of its prosperity, with a middle-class to upper-middle-class job. He would work for 6 hours per day, and after work spend time with his family, go out with his friends to a club, drink, hunt gazelles, swim in the Tigris (or is it the Euphrates?), and do any number of things. / "This is the life/", he kept saying. In America, you wake up, work, come home tired, eat dinner, shower, and your day is done. There isn't time for family, for anything... he kept saying these things, and then "This is the life." Obviously he is smart enough (unlike most of our people) to realize the gap between fantasy America and reality America.

His son in Iraq lives in the house that he owned, in Baghdad...a big, nice house. There is no electricity, no clean water, nothing. He doesn't work or leave the house out of fear... what a life. His 4 daughters also live in Iraq, and are all married. They call him from time to time, and say "What can we do?" When he took his citizenship exam, they asked if his wife could pass the test, and he told them the truth... "My children are in Baghdad and she cries throughout the day, she worries, she can't sleep. She doesn't speak a bit of English." and they just passed the test for her. That surprised me a bit. They asked this old man, "Will you take up arms to protect America?" and he said "Yes". I can't believe that they would ask this...of a 71 year old... he also has a son and daughter in Australia, and 3 daughters in New Zealand...yes... Apparently there are a lot of Assyro-Chaldeans there now. The poor guy has trouble sleeping at night, and often stays up and drinks. His children fear for their lives, and he fears for their lives.

Since he was an accountant for so long, and is out of practice, he keeps a ledger (words in Arabic, numerals in English, ...although technically they are actually Arabic Numerals) of each account that they have...and he's done this since their first month in the US in 1999. Do you see how depressing this is? I mean, here is your average (or above-average) Iraqi family. The man is educated, humane, reasonable. He was a loyal citizen of Iraq (both of his sons fought in the Army against the Americans), and is a loyal citizen of the US. He doesn't spout off religious BS... and look at all that he had going for him...and how America basically ruined his life (he never said this - it is a conclusion that I have drawn)...and the irony of it all is that now he's here. And how many countless untold thousands or millions are the same way? My heart goes out to the Iraqi people...especially Assyro-Chaldeans, who like this man, have endured so much. On the one hand, it is depressing... but on the other hand, they are still holding on, which is inspiring. It helps me think that maybe the human spirit can triumph over this aggression and mayhem. His family, spread throughout the world, isn't giving up...even the kids (now 30-40 years old) in Baghdad. Even he has hope that things will improve there, although he realistically concedes that the US will probably never leave Iraq, and that it is essentially a 51st state.

He told me about a picture of Geroge Bush, Sr. which was in front of the Al-Rashid hotel, on the ground. This Iraqi female artist made it, so that people would walk on his face before going into the hotel. During the war, the US sent a tomahawk missile into her house...and the blast was so powerful, they didn't even find her body parts. He said "What technology this is!"

It just got me to thinking that we need to extricate ourselves from the socio-economic system which has ruined his life. What could he have done differently? Yet at the same time, he and his family are still holding on.

Life goes on...

The Reader: I've been published

Born, raised and a proud Assyrian. Assyrian I am, but knowledgeable I am not. Don't get me wrong ? please ? everyone else does, so give me a little break here. I am knowledgeable of our culture. Also knowledgeable of our religion, if some of us still practice any at all. The one thing I know nothing about is Assyrian Individuals.

I meet people in Church, yes. I meet them in weddings, why not. Are they who they say they are or just the typical "shlamalookh" Assyrians? You don't see that in other cultures. Everyone has their own identities that they are more then happy to share with others. The Assyrians you meet in church are either interested in how your dead grandparents are doing, which always leads to the "my God, I didn't know" look, or what the "other" church is up to. The wedding Assyrians are either there to get drunk, to gossip, or to crash a wedding to get drunk for free before heading out to the club scene. The latter I have been guilty of. Being an Assyrian you're technically not "really" crashing any Assyrian wedding. Hell, chances are I'm somehow related to this couple. I just don't realize it!!! Never got the "pleased to meet you I'm your fuckin' cousin memo". If I did know you, I wouldn't be at your wedding because you're probably as fake as my ass is hairy. And, that's a whole lot.

The above babble was a flashback to the 1900's. On to the new century and a new form of communication for Assyrians. Online Forums! Please help me get to know you.

What better way to speak your mind and not fear any repercussions! I have always been that Assyrian that has pissed off many (be it in churches and/or weddings), all because I have an opinion. I'm sure there are many more Assyrians like myself? I hope. But, the majority keeps a tight lip on what they feel is right. That all changed when these people were introduced to their personal security blanket. C'mon, help me get to know you!

Today we have forums like aina.com, insideassyria.com, bethsuryoyo.com, assyrianvoice.com, and many others. I'll try to introduce you to four or five chaps from each site. I'd like to take you on a tour of these forums and give you a little taste of who our people are. You're probably asking yourself three questions. Why online forums? Why not tell us of the multiple meetings our so-called political leaders have on a daily basis? Why not the churches? Unfortunately, they all have the same answer. They're not telling us how they really feel. The forums do. Hide behind a nickname if you will, but tell me what is on that Assyrian mind of yours and don't hold back. Online Forums, pleased to meet the real you!!!

The below names are assumed to be "Nicknames". If the poster is using their real name then they are at fault.

Aina.com

• Purpose: A bunch of so-called scholars discuss "Assyrian Politics" by using big words. Why the fuck do these people think using a big word makes them sound intelligent? Sorry to break this to you, but with the invention of online forums comes a free thesaurus attached to every writing software. Try making sense every once in a while. Here's an example without the big words, "you're out of fucking control". Now that's intelligent.
  
• Usual Suspects
  
  
  
  1. Peter the moderator, a total unknown for me. He posts every now and then to correct people. No, not moderate his forum, but CORRECT the participants. Go ahead and post an "opinion" about the history of red assed baboons and watch him work. He comes out with towering defiance mistaking your opinion for a fact gone wrong and CORECTS it. "Oh no my feeble minded brother. Baboon asses are of the Maroon flavor and not Red. Therefore my hypothesis is correct, you are wrong to call them red assed". Here I always thought surgeons had God complexes.
     
  2. Fred Aprim, the self-proclaimed leader of scholars for the new Assyria. Uses a lot of big words and has forked up a dollar or two "publishing" his own books. Fred, there is a reason why people GET published. Read your books and hear my plea, YOU NEED AN EDITOR. Aprim has a legion of scholars that can't wait for Assyria's grand opening so that they can chill in the scholar's garden and talk about stuff. You know, stuff. Similar to Imperial China with scholars all decked out in dresses. Aprim became a leader by talking down to these poor souls who now follow the pied piper.
     
  3. There's also menacing figures like Grusha, the self-proclaimed creator of an Assyrian Parliament. This SECRET parliament has been in the works for a couple of years now. Question, if it's a secret why the hell have you been bragging about it? A post started by Aprim and replied to by Grusha is always a must read.
     
  4. Wm warda Ben, another soon to be self-published writer for the greater Assyria. This poster's story is quite amusing. The posts are plagiarized from history books without reference. Why should he provide references, hell Assyrians are bound to believe him? He uses big words. The real enjoyment comes in with the constant push from Fred to have wm warda Ben finally put his words to paper and "publish" a book. This is great, the first Assyrian Prot?g? for the "published" crowd.
     
  5. Doozoota, who ends all his posts with the brilliant mantra "Death to all that oppose Assyria", is an enjoyable nutbag. He's that little brother that never takes a bath. You're embarrassed of him when friends are around, but never hesitate to set his stinking ass loose on your enemies.
     
  6. Final Thoughts - You have multiple stories of current events that all start with a child's enthusiasm and hope for a better future. Too bad they end with the same screeching cry of "we've been had, bamboozled, and dry fucked by "Kurds" (yes, that's how you spell it, you Q***d). Aina.com can be an enjoyable read if you can look past all the self important "look at me, look at me, please" posts. There are good times to be had like when newbies are attacked with big words, or how opinions change in a matter of posts. Fear rules on aina and the great scholars of Eden sure as hell are enjoying it. Can you imagine cornering all this passion in one room with a lot of scotch? I can? welcome to Assyria, baby.

Bethsuryoyo.com

• Purpose: I have no idea what the purpose of this site is. In fact I always thought that "Suryoyo" was the way you say "suraya" (Assyrian) after a couple of glasses of Hennessey. Hell, there are only a couple of participants on this site with the occasional infiltration of a Kurd or Arab? which by the way calls for some fun times.
  
• Usual Suspects
  
  
  
  1. Hannah Hajar the moderator, again, a total unknown for me. He posts every now and then to correct people. I'm thinking this is the prerequisite to being an Assyrian Moderator, correcting people on their OPINIONS. In the end I am happy that some Assyrians have something in common.
     
  2. Shushan, Born again and again Christian. Woowee, this board should be getting about a thousand hits a day due to this character? seven hundred by her. Very hard to read and equally hard not to read. She has a number of posters attacking her, but she does a fine job fighting back, I think. Every forum has that diesel fueled by emotion. The best part is the multiple posts of how she will stop posting. Get it, MULTIPLE posts?
     
  3. The rest ? Can't really figure this place out. They are either attacking poor little Shushan or playing nice with her. The funny thing is that all the "Assyrian" posts come from social posters and not the regulars. They're too busy crying a river.
     
  4. Final Thoughts - Not too many posts. I guess after reading one of Shushans' posts you really don't have the wahas.

Assyrianvoice.com

• Purpose: Next generation. The young crowd. As with all young guns they either research gonads or rant about their day.
  
• Usual Suspects- Way too may of them. You've got the message boards that have a huge Chaldean vs. Assyrian match going on. Stereotypes Galore! It's great to see the Dads of our world instilling the "My Culture's better then yours" approach here. Little pesky fire ants posting thousands upon thousands of threads. Absolutely amazing, how the sheer number of senseless posts outweighs the intelligent ones. Or you can visit the new forums where the moderators are of the Gestapo kind. I guess going to the other sites is a crystal ball's sneak preview to them. I do have to admit that the forums are hip. They offer up a great a Pulp Fiction feel to the Assyrian Language. Between the message board and forums you can easily shift from Jerry Springer to a good book.
  
• Final Thoughts ? Of all the sites, this one is so damn addictive. It is good to see that the anti-everyone mentality hasn't totally corrupted the forum side of this site. They don't carry the talk shit + talk shit = waste of time mentality.

insideassyria.com

• Purpose: One man's rant against the conglomerate named "Jesus".
  
• Usual Suspect ? Not much here.
  
  
  
  1. You've got the occasional Fidel Castro post by Jeff. I think he's our version of Hanoi Fonda. We can call him Castrated Jeff.
     
  2. Pancho- He is the site. Or, he became the site when all the rest banned his crazy ass. I think he was constantly "fucking" people online. Has a word fetish? haven't seen someone use the word Cunt with such passion since Swearengon opened for business in Deadwood. Daily posts of him trashing all who have ever wronged him in life. Mind you, saying bless you translates to fuck you in his world. If he is insane I hope there is no cure for it. You have the history of Shumirum locked up in some basement. The constant evil flashbacks to what drove him to this desert. The making of a great novel. Imagine the Count of Monte Cristo having a jail version that documents his daily activity in that cell. Now give it an Assyrian backdrop. Add a lot of profanity/blasphemy/Pablo Picaso and you got pancho. He is a true nut, but you get a feeling that he's proud to be a nut. The Assyrian Nut. Looking forward to the day he sends Shushan his ear.
     
  3. Final Thoughts ? Fucking nuts. It really says something when you can dedicate so much brainpower to knocking your enemies. In the end it's nice to read an Edgar Allan Poe. This whole Assyrian Harry Potter thing was getting old.

In the end we have the new and the old. A new form of communication where we can finally speak our mind, albeit hidden, but it is better then being a "shlamalookh (superficial)" Assyrian. The bad is the usual virus that clouds our judgement and attacks with the splitting ferociousness of a certain John Holmes muscle. Take a look at every one of these forums and see the deadly common denominator. We can't enjoy anything new without breaking into an all out brawl. Shame on the nigga who runs game on the nigga.

I hope I didn't offend anyone; it's just an observation. I'd like to end with a quick thank you to all that made this possible. I've been "published"!

Lion, Tigers, Chaldeans...Oh My.

Growing up I never heard the word Assyrian mentioned - ever. The closest word that ever graced my ears was the word Syrian, and that word was only really used when someone said "pass the Syrian bread". I find it curious that a group of people nearly identical in every way to myself exists, and that I never heard of them until I did some research.

What makes an Assyrian an Assyrian and a Chaldean a Chaldean? Is there really a distinction? The language is incredibly similar. The storefront religions, while different in name, have the exact same prayers. The genes are similar, and the food is nearly identical. The dances and folkloric garments don't differ. So, what is it?

I believe that perhaps the main difference between Assyrians and Chaldeans, other than a distinction in name, is namely a difference in attitude. I have observed, through verbal stories and research, that Chaldeans back home were generally more educated than Assyrians. They tended to live in the bigger cities rather than the small villages, although there were some of both. They also had a penchant for learning the dominant language and succeeding as minorities in spite of obstacles put in their path.

In America, the same phenomenon is present. Chaldeans in Detroit can be found in every major and minor industry here, from property development to medicine, education to retail, landscaping to politics, and all points in-between. Chaldeans are not a homogeneous group. They are found at all points on the socio-economic scale, from dirt-poor to multi-millionaire with generational wealth. They also assimilate at different stages. Some Chaldeans have no semblance of culture left in them, while others have maintained customs, language, song and dance, culinary arts, reading and writing, arts, and other aspects of our culture remarkably in this melting pot.

Assyrians back home, on the other hand, tended to not learn and master Arabic as much, and acted more like foreigners in their homeland. They stayed more in the backwater areas and remained uneducated. In America, Assyrians aren't as diverse in the fields that they work, in socio-economic status, and in cultural assimilation.

Besides attitude, Chaldeans were slightly more homogeneous in one aspect, namely religion, because they were all Catholic. Assyrians, on the other hand, fragmented into countless denominations – Presbyterian, orthodox, evangelical, seventh-day Adventist, and so on, and so forth.

So how have both groups managed to maintain some sort of identity here in the diaspora? What defines nationality, national identity? There are several aspects to "culture" that can be analyzed here. Culture can be defined as behavior patterns, arts, beliefs, institutions, and all other products of human work and thought. Intellectual thought defines culture, and this is especially relevant when dealing with the arts and humanities.

The Chaldeans are severely lacking in the humanities! I have lived in metro-detroit for my entire life, and I have yet to see more than one or two albums that are in our language! The majority are in Arabic, while some are in English. Chaldean art is rare, and books written in our language is even more rare. Finding someone who can read and write our language is yet even more exceptional! And, finally, encountering someone who has a truly capable grasp of our language (untainted by Arabic) is damn-near impossible.

Assyrians, on the other hand, have numerous artists who sing in our language, a preponderance of people who can read and write our language, and a higher-level understanding of our language and it's grammar. There are more Assyrian artists as well, and more books and periodicals in our language.

So, looking at this situation, I have come to the obvious conclusion that the only solution to the pros and cons of both "groups" (which are in actuality one group) is to merge the groups together so that they can learn from each other. What makes us unique is what makes us one group: a common culture of language, traditions, (cough) religion, culinary arts, humanities, folkloric arts, song and dance, and a common belief in that which makes us unique – that which distinguishes us from "Americans", Indians, Japanese, and the French. We have scattered like leaves throughout this world, but we still recognize and cling to that which we do not want the world to lose – our culture. It can be infectious. This generation and the next one will have the job of preserving, maintaining, and (hopefully) enhancing and strengthening our cultural identity. I am a firm believer that the age of nations is long gone, and that if we continue to cling to the belief that we are "owed" a nation, ours will end in a pool of blood.

Just what the fuck does "Arab" mean, anyway?

Back when I was more involved with the community, many of our people, myself included, often went out of their way to say that Chaldo-Assyrians were NOT “Arabs”. In saying this, they didn't just say that we are distinct from “Arabs”, but went farther, often including undertones of dislike for “Arabs”, or outright bigoted comments. Dreaded, filthy “Arabs”... who wants to be associated with something that Hollywood has portrayed so negatively for 40 years and counting?

What I have been thinking about is the following: What does the term "Arab" mean? I’m looking for a precise definition.

1. If the term "Arab" is used to define "Arab speaking people", or "People from countries whose dominant language is Arabic", then ChaldoAssyrians who were born in the middle east in countries whose dominant language is Arabic could indeed be considered Arabs. Also, people who were born in America and whose first language was Arabic could also be considered Arabs under this line of reasoning.

Unfortunately, the west seems to define Arabs in this way. I say unfortunately because it is not consistent with the naming conventions applied to other parts of the world. Yes, we refer to "Latin America" (that is, an entire continent of spanish-speaking countries with the exception of Brazil), but we don't call Mexicans, Chileans, and Nicaraguans "Spaniards" ...we refer to them by their nationalities. We don't call Aussies and Americans "the English", we call the BRITISH "the English". So, it seems to be to be incorrect to refer to "Arabs" as some sort of national or ethnic group.

Clearly that way of defining the term is incorrect. It may be incorrect, but if we are to use the term to define speakers of Arabic (even if you DO speak English or Surath), then technically some of our people could be considered Arabs. If we were to follow the logic that all Arab-speaking people are Arabs, then all Americans are English. Isn't that strange?

2. On the other hand, if we are talking about some sort of "general Arab culture/ethnicity" that pervades the Middle East, the result is the same. ChaldoAssyrians are integrated into the countries that they live in, and if they are "Assyrian-American" or "Chaldean-American" (because the general culture in this country is "American", but we recognize that we are unique and so we use the hyphenated term "Assyrian-American"), why is it inappropriate for someone to be "Chaldean-Iraqi", or "Assyrian-Arab?". Again, this definition is flawed because there is NOT a general Arab culture that pervades the region. I don't believe that the term Arab includes the general culture of the entire Arab speaking world. Eqyptians have a distinct culture that is very different from Lebanese, which is different from Iraqis, which is different from Yemeni. Each Middle Eastern country has its own dialect of Arabic, and the peoples in each country come in all shades of skin color and from diverse ethnic backgrounds. So, this criteria for defining Arab is equally inappropriate.

Consequently it is wrong, in my opinion, to call someone a "Chaldean-Arab" (or “Assyrian-Arab”), but it is entirely appropriate to call that same person a "Chaldean-Iranian", or an "Assyrian-Iraqui", or a "ChaldoAssyrian-American", depending on that person’s country of origin. This is acceptable because we are referring to a subgroup (ethnic, linguistic, cultural, whatever...) within a nation. Nation implies nationality. I know it sounds basic, but people just don't seem to get it.

3. The only country whose citizens can be called "Arab" in terms of something more than a linguistic category is "Saudi Arabia". This is a nationality in addition to being a linguistic term. Also, are Iranians "Arabs", or "Persians"? Are Turks "Arabs"? Are all Arabs Muslim? The western world has oversimplified (they are good at that) a complex region of the world with the blanket term "Arab", when instead I think it would be more prudent to focus on nationality.

Conclusion:
The term “Arab”, which is often used in general to refer to all peoples of the Middle East, is incorrect. It refers not to religion, language, nor culture... it is entirely ambiguous.

Below you will find a dictionary definition of “Arab”

(Adjective)
1. Of or relating to Arabia, the Arabs, their language, or their culture.

(Noun)

1. A native or inhabitant of Arabia.
   
2. An Arabian horse.
   
3. A member of a Semitic people inhabiting Arabia, whose language and Islamic religion spread widely throughout the Middle East and northern Africa from the seventh century.
   
4. A member of an Arabic-speaking people.
   
5. A spirited graceful and intelligent riding horse native to Arabia. 6. Offensive Slang. A waif.
   
6. One of a swarthy race occupying Arabia, and numerous in Syria, Northern Africa, etc.

French Arabe, from Latin Arabs, from Greek Araps, Arab-, from Arabic 'arab.]

Arabic (noun)
1. A Semitic language consisting of numerous dialects that is the principal language of Arabia, Jordan, Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, Egypt, and parts of northern Africa.

Street Arab: homeless vagabond in the streets of a city, particularly an outcast boy or girl. --Tylor.

The ragged outcasts and street Arabs who are shivering in damp doorways. --Lond. Sat. Rev.